Oh. It’s me again. Somehow.
Somehow I’ve returned.
Or have I? Not quite sure.
My mind is in pieces, scattered here, there, the caffeine a vibrating repulsion between coherence and chronology. There are memories on islands, the trade routes between them charted, mapped and then lost. But I know where they are and how to find them.
Last year, we bought a house. Late that year, we settled into life as homeowners, what it was like. A broiler replaced. Snow shoveled The subtle fleeting failure as things scrubbed raw were somehow still clinging to the traces of age. Our house is an old house. Our house has memories before us and it holds onto them in the way wrinkles find their way onto smooth youthful skin. We clean, we repair, we replace.
We laugh, find news of various degrees and chase our dog Mayu around like lunatics.
Life is good. It is busy and dull and hectic.
I’ve been sewing and cosplaying and attending cons but with this home, there is something I had missed. I feel guilt that I would leave for days at a time. I would feel guilt when I was there. I wanted both and neither.
Cosplay is fun, it’s addicting. The sensation to craft entire peoples out of the various spans of fabrics and tubes of paint and wigs is incredible. It also dips its toes occasionally into the negatives between people. Jarring shots and miscommunication between the frames. People bond and are torn apart over this craft. I am glad to have had my part in it. There are plenty of regrets of wrongs I’ve done. Equally, it’s brought me to places I’ve not expected to go (Austin, TX) and created things I’ve not thought I could. I will continue this craft but in less urgency and more diligence. Cosplay has forced me to take on skills that have value and can offer me new roads going forth.
In March, we visited London and a bit of Paris. They were quite an experience. The way of life is quite similar and yet stylistically different. Mealtimes, gestures, phrases all different. Even the ‘dear’ and ‘cheers’ have a heartier meaning and well-wishing that when said with American mouths. There is efficiency in the public transportation I have never encountered before. The food so rich and fresh, I don’t know how I’d recover from such simple pleasures.
Cooking at home has been more frequent. I have been finding the urge and want to create culinary art. When I got home, I was adamant about recreating things I’d gotten accustomed to eating while overseas. No matter how I follow the recipe and technique, the ingredients just weren’t the same at all.
My cousin began her move from the west coast to the east. She visits every once in a while- she lives a bit away in another state. With her, she brings back nostalgia and a renewed amusement in Korean entertainment.
Recently, it’s been cooking various Korean dishes. We are watching Running Man. There are favorites and much laughter at the antics. We dive into JRock of the time we met. Nostalgia, a warm familiar blanket.
Slowly, we fit these pieces together to form some sort of image of normalcy. We may get there at some point.